Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
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[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Ain’t no way
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh