A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
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please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body