doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
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I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
*puts my mental health in rice
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments