Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
You Might Also Like
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social