[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
You Might Also Like
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
This did not end as expected.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Before crowbars crows drank alone
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit