mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
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[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis