I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
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Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
The Friday File.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*