Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
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I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven