The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
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signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Not today, today.
Not today.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.