Wish the trash would take me out for once.
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My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
He’s dead
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”