I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
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[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.