[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
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He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Its a hippotatomus
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.