If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
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4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.