my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
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What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Heroic Misunderstanding