My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
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How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
mmm onion ringos
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
This has made my week.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
#Caturday
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.