Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
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Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!