My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
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this is funnier than any friends episode
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
#Caturday
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??