Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
You Might Also Like
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
My dog learned how to text
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Oh yeh? Explain this then
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.