[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
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Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.