[Controversial and unpopular statement]
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A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
#NeverForget
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.