if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
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MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Spring cleaning checklist…
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*