I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
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Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please