if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
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[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I might carry a baby with one hand.
channeling her this year
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….