If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
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[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.