NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
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Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Room with a view.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.