“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
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‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”