I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
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[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I am patiently waiting for your email
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven鈥檛 shouted at everyone in it?
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Imagine owning a dragon鈥ow set yourself on fire, because that鈥檚 what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn鈥檛 know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn鈥檛 like science listening.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = 拢2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 馃檪 = 拢50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
If you can鈥檛 handle me at my worst you鈥檙e really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.