Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
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After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
inventing words: clothing
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
🤣😈🤣
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.