Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
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*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF