Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
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Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.