my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
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Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
You deplete me
I don’t make the rules sorry
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.