Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
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In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.