me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
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Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it