Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
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If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
cyclists
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
#MeanwhileinCanada
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?