Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
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I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
❤️❤️❤️
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD