My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
You Might Also Like
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started