Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
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My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother