You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
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Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me