been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
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After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
bury ourselves
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I told my vodka about you.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people