The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
You Might Also Like
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.