I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
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I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes