Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
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*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
u guys got any snacks onboard here
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.