[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
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[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
#CatsOnTwitter
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Looking at you, Jesus.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.