Which wines pair best with gloating?
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Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*