What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
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my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Tuesday
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.