Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
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Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE