Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
You Might Also Like
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!