[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
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DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.