doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
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Happy Febuary everyone!
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood