Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
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Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.